I need to discuss the miracles that led up to Ryan's release.  It was a complete miracle that took months and months, and many key individuals.
     We were about ready to start trial, and they were working on jury selection.  At the same time, the judge had granted some evidentiary hearings concerning Dan Love.  He had gotten in trouble at Burning Man, and was under investigation.  Because of that, Ryan Payne's attorney had filed a motion to question him.  For whatever reason, she granted it.  Some of those hearings were held in secret.  I would travel to court daily, only to sit in the hall most of the day.  Many things were being revealed in those hearings.  But, in a public hearing that I was able to attend, was where really Ryan was able to pull the string that started crashing the case.
     Basically, the defense was trying to prove that Dan Love and company had withheld and destroyed evidence.  There were many witnesses trying to refute that claim, all of them BLM agents.  Dan Love was included in that.  Anyhow, Ryan always asked every witness if they knew of a camera that was facing the ranch house.  All of them denied it, even though we all knew that there had been one.  I was getting somewhat annoyed with Ryan for asking.  Why would he continue to try when they were all just trained liars?  Anyhow, one of the witnesses must not have gotten the memo, because she admitted that the Bundy home was under surveillance, and that they had watched those live feeds from their trailer.  It was quiet as the defense attorney's and defendants stared in unbelief.  Brett Whipple about came unglued.  Obviously the Government had withheld evidence, and they had been lying for a long time.  Through many secret hearings, the case came crashing down.  In January, to save face for the Government.  The judge dismissed the case.  A whistle blower from the BLM actually came out with a memo, and blew the lid on much of the corruption.  The Wooten letter wasn't even addressed in the dismissal.  We were so excited to get all of the men home.  Unfortunately, the indictment was not dismissed, and we still have men who took pleas, or were convicted still in jail.  We are still sick about that, and trying to do much to do get them released. 
     Ryan was the first to get out pretrial.  I still remember how I felt that day...deer in the headlights is the best way I can describe it.  Ryan had put enough pressure on the judge that she allowed another detention hearing. I took all of the kids down and they sat there all day long.  I was really proud of them.  I felt that she might actually let him out.  She began talking about a schedule where he could even come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas...and at the last minute, because of some lies the Prosecutors told about an arrest that took place with Ryan in Cedar, she denied him at the last minute.  It was completely heartbreaking.  Jazz seriously sobbed loudly all the wasy home, her heart clearly shattered.  I was so mad at the judge and her insensitivity to my children I couldn't even focus or deal. 
     Ammon was set to have a detention hearing the next Monday.  Lisa flew in, and I was really hoping that they might let Ammon out.  We ended up in the hall once again, most of the day.  When we were finally allowed back in, a marshal pulled me aside, and took me in a room at the back of the courtroom.  He explained that the judge had decided to let my husband out pretrial.  I figured he had me mixed up with Lisa because she had already denied Ryan's release the previous week.  I explained that I was married to Ryan...not Ammon.  He explained again, that the judge had agreed to let Ryan out.  I literally could not believe it.  I had been without my husband for so long, and had dreamed about actually touching him again, for almost two years at that point.  I couldn't wrap my brain around what he was telling me.  Apparently, in one of those closed hearings, Morgan Philpot, and Rick Koerber, had located the arrest that had taken place in Cedar that the judge was holding Ryan on.  They were able to show the lies the prosecutors told.  The judge agreed she couldn't continue to hold Ryan.  I was so excited and really just couldn't believe it.  We went outside to wait.  All of the sudden, he needed clothes, and a cowboy hat.  I sent Aunt Lily after a cowboy hat.  I just couldn't believe it.  I sent family over to the house to get the kids.  Sarah Redd called Sage, and she was in totoal shock too.  She was crying, and so excited.  The kids were rounded up, by Bailey and Ivona and were on their way. 
     So, I hear he is out and on the other side of the courthouse...I ran.  To touch him, and feel him, and kiss him...I cannot even describe it.  I was whole again.  I got to ride in Maysoun's car with him to the halfway house he was assigned to.  At about that time the kids arrived.  We got to hug him, and hold him, and reunite as a family.  However, the halfway house allowed no visitors, and we had to leave almost immediately.
     In the subsequent days and weeks, Ryan was allowed to go to Tayna and Blake's and eventually he was allowed to come home for Thanksgiving.  I cannot help but just smile as I think of all of that.  It was nothing short of a miracle. I  loved shopping for our Thanksgiving dinner.  It had a smaller crowd than normal, but to have my husband back, where we were all together, was the greatest thing ever.  Christmas was also a huge blessing.  In January, when all charges were dropped, and ankle monitor's came off, it was nothing short of a miracle.  Freedom at last.  Well, at least the limited freedom that we were used to. 

Needless to say that yet again, I am feeling extreme guilt for not updating since February.  So much has happened since then, and with Ryan still incarcerated, I have spent most of any time that I can spare writing to him.  So much has happened though, and it has been a bumpy ride.  One thing I have learned though, is that this is helping me grow, and learn to let my Heavenly Father guide because I really have zero control over most of the stuff that happens.  Ryan is an incredible man, and he makes bold filings and makes bold choices concerning the court, and it makes me extremely nervous.  I have zero control over what he does.  He feels confident that he is being led by the spirit, and I cannot sway him from that, but it has led to many sleepless nights.  Nights in where I wonder and worry about how I am going to support and raise the kids all by myself if that is what God requires.  But, when I am close to the spirit, I really feel like Ryan will be home soon.  Well, soon in God's eyes, and He and I have completely different ideas about what soon really means.  That is the scariest part...not having control, and trusting in God.  I trust my Heavenly Father, but sometimes the paths He leads me down, is not easy...and that is an internal struggle. But, isn't that what this life is for?  Learning to let go, and allowing the Lord to make more of you, then you could ever possibly make of yourself.
     So much happened throughout the spring and summer, and I can honestly say that through the actions and service from others, I see miracles every day.  And most days, something happens to shatter my heart to pieces again.  It is such an emotional roller coaster. 
     One day in early spring, we were having a crazy day.  It was Jamie's drill team review, and Jerusha had a drill team picnic for an end of season party.  My parents were up, and it was an insane day.  Oak kept hounding me for the opportunity to have some friends over, and it was just unbelievable that he was even asking that of me.  Finally I agreed to take him to the drill team picnic because it was being held at the park, where he could ride his bike.   A few of his friends happened to be there, but they were playing baseball with their dad and uncles.  He kept wondering if they would want to ride their bikes with him, but I instructed them to leave them alone, because they were playing ball with their dads.  Finally, he just sighed, and went and stood at the fence, and watched them.  It was the saddest, most pitiful thing I had ever seen, and I just started crying for him.  He needed male attention and interaction from those dads, and yet I doubted if they would even notice.  I was wrong...and I am so grateful I was wrong.  One of the dads, a gentleman by the name of Quinton Averett noticed Oak standing there alone, and invited him to come and play with them.  It was just what he needed, even though he had never played baseball before.  He learned quickly though, and Quint asked if I would put him on his baseball team for little league that year.  He and the other coach, Coach Perry, who happen to be police officers in the town, really helped Oak, during that time. 
     Coach Perry also became Oak's football coach, along with several other outstanding men from the community.  One of those men was Josiah Jensen, and he is a cousin to Ryan.  Football was just what Oak needed, and although the interaction with the coaches, and other boys in little league was great, football is definitely his sport.  He is extremely aggressive and played defense.  He made a ton of extremely important tackles.  I loved watching him play, and I really loved how some of the Jensen's made me feel during that time.  I was so lonely, and so nervous, and I know the Bundy's well, but the Jensen's are an incredible family too. 
     I also need to discuss all that went in to finding and purchasing my home. 
Mikkelsen's were incredible to let me stay as long as they did.  They kept telling me that they were fine living in their own basement, and yet I knew when Jacob came home to stay for several months, that he was sleeping on the couch.  They welcomed him home in the basement of their own home for crying out loud, and they all had to cram in the basement.  In spite of all of that, they never once made me me feel like I was unwanted or a burden.  Never once did they raise their voice at my kids or lose their patience.  But, I had many restless nights wondering what in the heck I was going to do.  I was worried sick.  The banks would not loan to me, no one would co-sign with me, and basically I had about half of the money I needed to purchase any kind of home in the valley.  Rent is absolutely out of control as well.  I was in a very precarious situation.  I envisioned parking the van by the river and just living there.  Not good thoughts.
     The Perkins family in the ward was selling their home in Bunkerville.  I inquired about it because I knew it was bigger than the standard 3 bedroom 2 bath deal that was typical of most places.  It was way beyond my price range and I found myself discouraged once again.  I prayed and fasted, and fasted and prayed.  I tried not to complain to Ryan because I knew that there was absolutely nothing that he could do to help me. 
     Well, it just so happened that Brother Perkins was selling another home in the valley.  He had not even put it on the market yet, and Carol had heard about it.  She asked him if he would possibly be willing to finance me on it.  At first he said "no" and then he changed his mind.  This was also a bigger home, but it was older and extremely run down.  Carol and I came and walked through it, and it needed a ton of work, but honestly, what were my options at that point?  I was really concerned because hey, I am not handy like the guy I married, and in order for it to be livable, it was going to need some work.
     I went to the temple to pray about it.  I had some incredible and strong feelings about several subjects in the temple that day.  One was an overwhelming sense of gratitude from our Heavenly Father for Ryan's willingness to be obedient no matter what the cost.  God does not like to see His children suffer, and yet it is sometimes necessary in order to bring about change.  I also got an overwhelming yes on buying the house.  I was told that many people would come together to make the house a home, and that the women of the family would have something else to focus on rather than our lonely world without our men.  I felt like I should do what was necessary to make the house kid and teenager friendly so that he kids would want to hang out.   I called Brother Perkins as soon as I got out, and asked him if he was still willing to sell the home to me, and finance me.  He is a good man, knew the desperate situation that I was in, and readily agreed.  Whew...what a relief. 
     So, right after the Bundy reunion, papers were signed, and I was handed the keys.  The first problem was that the front door was broken.  My home teacher, Brother Bunker said that he was really good at hanging doors, and had offered to go with me to the Home Depot to pick one up.  So, that was the first step.  I went and picked out a front door, and he hung it.
     Bj Soper is an awesome Bundy supporter from Oregon.  He called and informed me that he was in the business of remodels and offered to give me a week of his time and talents.  He drove clear down from Oregon with his truck (he needed his tools because Ryans had all been stolen at that point)  He showed up on a Monday morning and just went to work.  Brother Bunker was also there that morning, and we began scraping up leftover linoleum off of the kitchen floor.  Bj began patching walls, and removing old panel board.  He textured walls, laid flooring in the kitchen and bathrooms, fixed faucets, and hung some kitchen pantry doors. 
     Ryans paint sprayer was missing.  I called my friend Alan Curtis and asked if I could borrow his sprayer.  He paints for a living, and he readily agreed to just come and paint the house for me.  We used his account to buy paint, and he came and started taping and spraying.  Things were coming
together nicely and quickly with their help.  Cheryl picked a bathroom and fixed it up, and then Bailey and Molly picked a bathroom and fixed it up.  Stetsy, Bailey, and Carol, along with Ivona, did my kitchen cabinets.
     I cannot tell you how much Mikkelsen's helped.  Ned Mikkelsen worked with my most days, installing tile, doing floor boards, and trim and doing dry wall fixes.  I cannot say enough about how blessed I was to have their help.  Shem Teerlink was a ton of help too.  He shook his head at the messes, and always dug in to help.  Some kind of a critter had filled some of my walls with dirt.  That was a huge mess, and yet Shem just hauled bucket after bucket of dirt out the door.  I have the best friends and neighbors.  I am very blessed.
     So, every day during our summer break, we would show up at the house and work most of the day.  People would stop and help if they saw my car in the driveway.  Gary paid for my carpet, and I had to scramble to find someone to help me get it installed.  I love my home.  I love that it is mine, and that everywhere I look, I see the evidence of selfless service. We got moved in a few days before school started.  As much as I despise being in town, the middle school is within walking distance, and its way easy for the kids to make it to functions.  We are easily on the way home from just about anywhere.
     Oak also decided that he wanted to play football.  This was a huge blessing.  He absolutely loved every minute of it.  The practices wore him out quite a bit, and he was teasing the other kids less.  He was also very good at it.  One night, he got the player of the game.  He was only on the defensive team, and was very aggressive at tackling the ball handlers.  I loved following him around and watching him. 

 

 

 

 

 

     It has been way too long!  I regret that because the kids do hilarious things every day!  I am going to forget if I don't write it down.  Just take today for example...I woke up way early and came downstairs.  Usually Saggers beats me up and that is it because she has early morning seminary.  So, I come down the stairs to Jerusha up and baking cookies???  Does she think I was born yesterday?  I suspect there is a boy behind all of this early morning baking.  I am so on to her.
     So, court began for the Portland and Nevada trials earlier this month.  So far I have only been able to attend court one day in Nevada, and I have plans to attend court in Portland three days next week.  I am hoping to catch Ammon's testimony.  Anyhow, life has been crazy, more corruption is being exposed each day that these trials resume, and yet today's post I want to largely focus on the kids.
     So, we have drill team season winding down.  Jerusha had her last performance last night for games, and Jamie is slowing down too.  Drill team review is in a few weeks, and so far, all of the older girls really want to attend.  This causes problems because I decided that taking Mo and Dill is a complete waste of time, not to mention energy.  All I do is chase them around, and when Mo went running out of the gym to the outside world, and I tried to chase him, knocking a trash can full of trash onto the court, I vowed that he would never get to come again.  So, we will be having a knock-down-drag-out fight as to who has to babysit I am sure.
     I made the huge mistake of buying a few bouncy balls at Christmas.  The large, bouncy kind.  I am really tired of those things getting binged all over the house.  Not to mention the fact that we are in someone else's home still, and as I pull Ryan's assets together to buy a home of our own, I would really like to be as quiet and unannoying ( I am sure this probably isn't even a word) as possible.  Those dumb things are bouncing and flying and banging into pictures and causing crashes nonstop.  I was kinda delighted when one of them popped, and I noticed the other day (after being delighted that the noise level went down a bazillion decibels) that the last one had been thrown outside kinda close to a stickery cactus.  I figured that I would just let it stay there for a few centuries and let it rot, but no, Oak found it and brought it back in the house.  Inspite of it's flatness, it is now being binged all over the place again.  NOTE TO SELF-no dumb bouncy balls next year, unless I have plans of banging my head on a wall.
     Dill and Mo have been on a raiding the cupboards mode.  I try to have supplies for school lunches every day, and yet, this seems to be the stuff that Mo and Dill want and cry for.  I have very little patience and energy to deal with their fits, and so I usually let them just have whatever it is, because there are things that I will put my foot down on.  Energy must be saved to fight those fights.  Anyhow, they are constantly raiding my chip stashes.  They get one of those cute little bags of chips, and in order to open it, they jump with all of their might on it to pop the bag and open it.  Mo usually does this with one quick jump, but Dill usually cannot get the job done with one jump.  She usually jumps and jumps, smashing all chips to smithereens until I finally insist on opening the bag for her.  Then of course, the chips are scattered more than usual because of the smallness of the pieces. 
     Dill has also gotten into a show called "Peppa Pig."  I know I am sounding like a Negative Nelly in this post, but I believe that Peppa Pig is hands down, the most annoying kid show that I have ever encountered.  Dill loves it though, and she cannot wait until evening  when I allow the kids some TV time.  Peppa Pig is a female pig that lives with her family.  They go on family adventures, but the biggest problem is just all of the odd noises.  They of course have plenty of pig snorting sounds, but then they are English pigs with English accents.  So, pig snorts, and English humor, and yeah...I miss Bugs Bunny.  They are constantly "splashing in muddy puddles" and playing with "spotty balls."  The worst is when Peppa annoys her little brother "George" and he bawls.  It is the most annoying squeals known to man. Because of this, Dill is always eager to "splash in muddy puddles."  Shockingly, we have gotten some nice storms here in the last few months, which inevitably leads to Dill jumping in a puddle whole heartedly.  This is fun for her for a few seconds, but then she is wet, muddy and sad.  On the way into shrsh it is kind of an inconvenience.  Chlo even went and pulled on Ryan's muck boots the other night, and jumped in the bathtub to "splash in muddy puddles" like Peppa and George.  It did clean Ryan's boots up nicely, so that was good of little Chlo.
     Speaking of little Chlo, she still doesn't dare sleep in her room with her Daddy away.  I finally just put her mattress on my floor, and she always sleeps in my room now.  For a long time, she slept in my bed at my feet, but she hit a growth spurt and it just became too uncomfortable.  Anyhow, I have been watching her.  Each night she carefully selects certain stuffed animals to bed down with her, along with a flashlight that she likes to sleep with.  She keeps the flashlight on, and I usually try to switch it off after she falls asleep.  I notice, though that when she wakes up, she flips it back on, and I leave it.  It is heartbreaking that she feels so scared with her Daddy away.  I just cannot provide the feeling of protection that he did.  She also breaks down and starts crying at odd times, and just expresses how much she misses her Daddy, and how badly she wants him to come home.  I wish I knew how to fix it.  Nothing can replace a man like her Dad.  I do my best, but there is definitely a lack of security with him gone.
     Another source of frustration is our fair animals.  The fair animals have been overall a great thing to do.  But, Sage's steer has been giving her fits along with Jerusha's.  Those big steer's figure out pretty fast that they can jerk those little girls around, and once they figure it out, they do it a lot.  The fix for that is, to get a man (Ryan) to manhandle them a bit and show them who is in charge.  Well, he isn't here, and a lot of days the steers take advantage of that.  Sage has been coming home with bruises from working hers, and I know that Clance will have to tie them up behind the horse and walk them for a few days.  But, it just means their little hearts get broken daily because Ryan was so good to instruct and help them with their animals.  The hole in our household is real.  It breaks our hearts daily.  Time isn't fixing it.  Time isn't healing it.  We just need him back, and the case down here is so completely ridiculous that it is frustrating.
     With Spring hitting the desert, Dill and Mo have been spending many of their hours outside.  Their latest projects consisted of them building a nice pond for the worms that they caught.  Mo was very thoughtful and precise in the construction of his worm pond.  He is so much like his dad.  Oh, how I miss Ryan.  I am so grateful that I have so many happy memories to tap into!  I love that guy so much!
    

     New post, new year, and I have a ton of ground to cover.  I have got to get better about recording what is going on.  I know that this chapter of my life is tough, but extremely significant.  I have grown a lot and learned a ton even though its been difficult.
     I am so grateful to be past the holidays!! I must be honest in saying that I dreaded them. It seemed to be this difficult hurdle to jump, and I am grateful to be past it.  I would like to record what happened during Christmas though.  It was actually a great Christmas in spite of the difficult circumstances. 
     First of all, I must admit that December was just a huge blur.  It involved a ton of activities, recitals, concerts etc.  I was so busy that most nights I would just crawl in bed with intention of laying by Dill and getting her down, with all kinds of plans to accomplish further tasks when I had her asleep.  I would wake up all bleary eyed around midnight or so and stumble around turning off lights and counting little sleeping children to make sure that they had all found some place soft to crash.  I was run literally ragged.  On top of all of the holiday stuff, Ryan still had stuff he wanted filed...I ran to Cedar to file some stuff on one day, and he had a hearing on the 23rd that required some phone calls and leg work.  I was an emotional mess at the thoughts of begging the court to let him out before Christmas.  In my heart, I knew that they did not care, and that they would show no mercy.  And yet, I knew that I had to keep a small glimmer of hope and try for a Christmas miracle.  So, I tried to round up potential character witnesses, and also witnesses to refute all of the ridiculous lies that the prosecutors have told.
     Somewhere between all of the chaos of the holidays, enough of the dishes that Ryan had bought me for Christmas a few years back, became lost or broken.  Tile floors are hard on dishes, and I will admit that in my frustration in January...when I could not get in touch with Ryan during all of the refuge hoopla, I threw a few of them...only three, but hey.  It felt good.  Anyhow, I noticed at dinner time that there was nothing to eat on.  I would have to feed a kid, and then hurry and wash the plate to feed another if I wasn't lucky enough to be able to scrounge up a paper one somewhere.  So, Christmas came early and I bought myself a set of dishes.  The Walmart version of the ones that they use on Chopped, which must have entered my subconscious on many of those nights when I went to get Dill to sleep.  I would put on a Chopped, and would not even see who won the appetizer round.  Some of this would get the kids acting like critics with the food.  It was kinda funny.  We have watched way too many cooking shows.
     We have also had some serious mishaps with Dill and Mo.  Mo is good and potty trained at this point.  In fact, he was really easy to potty train and caught on really fast, but one day, he was in his usual underwear attire.  He was dancing around the kitchen acting like he needed to go to the bathroom, while fumbling through some drawers.  I could tell that he should go to the bathroom and I told him so.  Well, in his frustration, he left a puddle of pee on the floor and he was furious with me.  I was kinda baffled at this because he has been potty trained for almost two years now...how in the world was it my fault?  He yelled that if I had helped him find a pair of scissors then the accident never would have happened.  How in the world does that even make any sense at all?  I take the blame for everything with that kid.
     Dill is growing up all too fast.  She is hilarious.  She and Mo have gotten to where they play pretty good together, and we had Chlo all throughout the holidays to keep some good imaginative games going.  I noticed that they were puppies a lot.  Chlo was a very kind and giving dog owner who loved and doted on her pups.  She would put out pillows for them to nap on, and I even saw a leash or two from time to time.  They made huts, and at one point had taken over my bathroom with a huge "little people" game going.  On one of the nights that I mentioned above, when I was all bleary eyed and stumbling around, I crashed right into the little people world, and had to clear them all off of the floor and toilet lid.  I knew at that point that it was time to clean their bedrooms.  They were getting desperate for clean places to play.  I guess my bathroom was the last frontier.  Mo and Dill have been making huts lately and eating hot Cheetos in them or playing house.  I warned Mo the other day not to use my hand weights as a means of holding blankets down in his blanket forts, and sure enough a three pounder came crashing down on Dill at some point.  It was good that it wasn't one of the heavier ones.  She still loves to eat anything hot and spicy.  She loves hot chips and hot salsa.  Most mornings she begs for an "egg and sauce".  This usually means that she wants a fried egg with some salsa and chips.  She will sit and eat the salsa off of the chips and ignore everything else.  If I fry Mo or someone else an egg too, she will try to eat theirs, but ignore hers for sure.  Sometimes the food will get to her and she will be sweating and red.  She will also get a runny nose, but she wants to keep eating the hot stuff.  It is at that point that I will have to remove the food from her amid many disappointed shrieks. 
     Ok...so back to Christmas and the hearing.  I had a few packages and gifts filter in from many places around the United States.  We truly have so many wonderful people praying for us, and supporting us, it is unreal.  I also had checks and cash donations with the specific instructions to spend it on the kids for Christmas.  So, I took a few trips to Vegas and bought first and foremost, clothes for the teenagers.  I also purchased a few fun gifts of toys for the little ones.  Nothing too elaborate, but I knew that it would all be a good distraction on Christmas morning.  I was so busy with all of the other activities, that I didn't really take note of all that was in the packages.  Ryan's Aunt Margaret also called wanting to help for Christmas.  I gave her some ideas of some inexpensive gifts that the kids would like and appreciate.  Inexpensive so as not to overburden her financially, and it was stuff like matchbox cars and bouncy balls.  Well, in the few days leading up to Christmas, we were showered with all kinds of gifts.  Someone in the ward had bought each of the kids something, along with movie tickets and had sent it over with the Bishop.  They wanted to remain anonymous, but we did take a movie day and we went to Moana...the new Disney movie.  It was a great distraction.  We all left wishing that we were Polynesian and that we lived by the ocean instead of blonde people in the desert.  Tyson Houston and his wife Kelly showed up a few days before Christmas, and had bought the kids a ton of gifts.  At this point, I knew that we had way more than we needed.  There was just one thing that was missing that I was wishing to give Jazz.  I mentioned it to my brother Barry that she had wanted a ukulele.  Why?? I don't know, and it wasn't like I could just find a ukulele easily.  But, Jazz watches the kids all the time.  She helps me with the kids without complaint, and it was all she had asked for.  Well...Barry found her a pink one, and drove it down to my house along with a bunch of gifts for all of the kids from he and Doug.  I was blown away by it all.  But, I was still distracted by the hearing
     Ok....so, I need to explain the hearing for a bit.  Ryan has really never had a true detention hearing.  He is basically sitting in jail on a bunch of lies.  Lies that have been fabricated by the Government or the Prosecutor or both.  He would like a true hearing with witnesses and evidence to refute the lies.  During the whole month of December, I was under the impression that this hearing was going to take place on December 23rd and so I was trying to gather witnesses to refute their nonsense.  Until, a few days in advance when I learned that the Government was not necessarily allowing us to have a hearing, but we were going to have a hearing to see if he deserved a hearing.  This is all such BS it is unreal.  So, I had witnesses all lined out to be on the stand with the understanding that they would probably not be allowed to even say anything.  We prayed for a miracle, but my faith in their mercy is non-existent anymore.  They are evil, and throughout this paragraph, I would like to explain why I feel that way.
     I am always torn between taking the kids or sheltering them from the nonsense and evil that takes place in the courtroom.  I honestly wanted the kids to be able to see their dad and wave at him, but sometimes that is not even allowed.  The shuffle him into the courtroom in chains with 6-8 US Marshal's all around him, giving the distinct impression that he is majorly dangerous, and a serious threat.  This is the same man that hugged, kissed, and loved these children for their whole childhood.  What a horrible scene for children to have to witness.  But, the stupid skype system that the jail system has adopted these days is hardly a visit with their Dad.  Being in the same room as a family is something.  I also wanted the judge and the prosecutor to see that Ryan has a wife and a large family who love him, need him, and depend on him.  They have to know that these men are innocent of any violence or wrong doing.  There has to be a conscience in there somewhere. We arrived at the courthouse on a Friday morning.  The 23rd of December.  I could not seem to get Dill's boots on her, and it was quite cold.  Shem and Cheryl Teerlink arrived, and Shem was willing to testify in Ryan's behalf if it was allowed.  Luckily, Shem was able to get Dill's boots on her as well.  We got inside, and immediately Oak makes all kinds of attempts to climb the walls.  I took him aside and politely explained to him, that he had better not even think of climbing anything in the courtroom.  I told the kids what to expect, that Dad would say a few words, and then the Prosecutor would tell a bunch of lies, and then we would go get a treat.  Mo would only agree to be good and quiet if I promised him that I would buy him some gummy worms after the hearing, to which I readily agreed.  After all, it was Vegas...there had to be some gummy worms for sale somewhere in the sprawling city. 
     We all went and said a prayer before entering the courtroom.  Duane Schrock, who testified in the Portland hearing, and who gave his cowboy hat to Ammon, was there.  Roger Roots, Shawna, Eric Farnsworth, and a few I did not recognize were there as well.  We all prayed together, and then the Marshal's showed us where we could sit.  Of course it was as far away from Ryan as possible.  At some point, I would like to ask these people why they enforce all of these nonsense safety measures all the time.  I hear people say all the time that these men are "just doing their job" but so were the Nazi's in Germany.  At some point people have to do what is right, even if it goes against "doing their job".  I would also like to ask them what in the heck they think that the kids and I are going to do if we actually get to sit in the same vicinity as Ryan....are we going to stage a war right there in the court room or what?  It is all so very ridiculous.  They shuffled Ryan in, and we waved with his hands shackled and gave us his smile.  It about makes me cry to just see him like that.  The kids were excited to see him though, and waved back.  I know it sounds ridiculous, but his blue prison suit even looks good on him.  It brings out the blue in his eyes.  Dill was so excited to see her dad, that she just could not stop yelling.
     Ryan led us in prayer and he explained to the judge that all he would like to do, was bring in the truth.  He had been sitting in prison over a pack of lies, and he would like the opportunity to refute the lies.  He also reminded the judge that at his original hearing, the judge had told him that they could reopen his detention hearing at any time.  The judge said that he would consider it and let him know.  Of course, this is not what we wanted to hear.  We wanted a Christmas miracle.  We wanted our daddy home for Christmas.
     So, we stopped at Costco and bought a huge pack of gummy worms, along with a few other things that we would need for the lonely holiday and headed home.  We were sad...actually little Jasmine had a full on come apart.  How can these men, the Prosecutor and the judge feel ok about what they are doing?  I noticed that Shakespeare....aka Prosecutor Myhre was a little less theatrical about painting a horrible picture of Ryan that morning, but he told more lies nonetheless.  This while, a baby called out to her daddy repeatedly right before Christmas....I am sorry, but that is evil.  Especially when you consider that all of the things holding Ryan in the indictment are fabrications.
 Made up stuff...literally.  That is why he is still in jail.  They are the ones conspiring...not us.  Never us.
     So, we had a little Christmas Eve party, and we had some of the family over.  Carol, Stetsy and Clance, Bailey and Josh, Duane and Ivona, and the Lee family.  It was fun, but I was lonely for my companion.  I knew he was sad and missing us too.  On Christmas Eve, it also came to my attention that we had been given way too many gifts.  We actually took some of the gifts that I had purchased to a family in the ward...I should have given them a lot more.  Anyhow, after a brief discussion with the kids, we decided we wanted to spend our Christmas morning with our daddy.  We got up really early, and headed to Pahrump so we wouldn't have to wait behind the masses that would surely be wanting to visit inmates on Christmas.  We got up at four, and left all of the gifts behind.  When we arrived, we were first...this had me really excited.  We were also able to get Cliven on another monitor, and that worked really well.  It kept the other kids talking to Grandpa, while some got to talk to Dad.  We cried, and planned future Christmases and sang Silent Night.  That beautiful spirit of the Savior filled that lonely prison and even the prison secretary noticed and thanked us.  We decided next year...no gifts, just the family on a beach somewhere.  Maybe where we honeymooned in Hawaii.
     Anyhow, we got home and the kids had a delightful time opening their gifts.  The toys were a beautiful distraction.  There were so many who served us for Christmas that I can honestly say that it was not a sad day like I expected.  We were spoiled rotten, worn out from our early morning, and had the spirit that day.  Many must have been praying for us because I felt it.  We went to the ranch and visited with the family...I missed speaking to Arden by a few minutes, but it was a good visit.  We also traveled to Utah for a few days and visited my parents.  That also was a good break.  Gary and Kristiann and Julia were there and they are always so much fun.  I am so grateful that my brothers keep me laughing and keep me going.
     Ok...then we had New Years...Obama, in a last ditch effort to be a dictator, tried to take Gold Butte from us, and so we held a rally on New Years Eve.  I had some of Briana's kids over, and I fell asleep early.  Pretty typical me.
     In January, the judge actually granted Ryan a hearing.  This was great news!  It gave us some hope, but made me nervous all over again.  The courts haven't exactly been fair.  And how many times do I have to get my hopes up before they are dashed all over again?

   

     O M goodness, so much ground to cover.  I have dealt with quite the emotional roller coaster over the past month.  Ryan and Ammon did finally arrive in Pahrump, Nevada.  I cannot tell you how much comfort it brings me to just know that he is so close to home.  He is with Ammon, Jerry DeLemus, and Pete Santilli.  He also gets to see his dad when they meet at the law library, and at their chapel services.  As bad as incarceration is, he is way more content in the Pahrump facilty than he was at MCDC.  He said that it is maximum security, but he hasn't had to be shackled to move about the place.  They have access to computers and phones, but it is all open, and there is zero privacy.  I am sure that is difficult.  I miss that man like crazy, and I still find myself wishing for his companionship and help in almost everything I do.  I want to consult with him on kids, finances, cars, decisions, school work, homework, discipline etc.  I do get those precious phone calls, but I have to wait for them, and often I forget what I needed to discuss with him.  I am just so ready for him to be with me again. 
     A few things that have also happened, was Arden's farewell.  I was an emotional wreck that week.  The last Bundy guy around, and even though I wasn't hounding him to fix stuff non-stop, he was kind of my safety net...the whole "I will just have Arden fix that."  Then, of course, nine times out of ten, I wouldn't call him, or forget to call him.  But, just the fact that I could call if I needed him...I hate that its gone.  The Bundy men have a rare gift of being able to problem solve just about everything and anything.  It is extremely rare.  I hate that it is gone now.  Because of his farewell, Katie came down from Canada.  We had some great family get-togethers that just made me cry too.  We have such a large and obvious gaping hole in the family right now.  It is hard to go because they are so missed.  I know I need to quit complaining, but our family just isn't ok or the same.  It is what it is.  The fact that Cliven could not be there or participate in his last son's farewell and setting apart was the worst.  I cried and cried about that.  I just can't help it, because it really isn't right or fair.  On the day of the farewell Mo went in to find his church clothes and somehow pulled the dresser onto his head.  It was quite sad.  He had a little bump on his forehead, and yet the bunkbed caught the bulk of the weight.  Only a drawer really landed directly on him.  Anyhow, Arden went to give him a friendly pat and he freaked out and started bawling loudly.  Arden and I were both equally floored.  I finally found that he had a nice bruise on top of his head too.  Poor misunderstood Mo.  Anyhow, we all sang with the siblings and it was a nice farewell and day....except for our obvious broken hearts. 
     Since then, Mikkelsen's moved back into the basement.  They have been generous and have given me the ok to live in the upper floors until trial.  I was scrambling trying to get the ok to move into Grandma Bundy's single wide trailer, or anywhere for that matter.  The sale of my house fell through once again, and I have felt so completely lost for awhile.  I know I am supposed to be gaining wisdom or perspective or something from all of this.  I hope that I can hurry up and learn it.  This whole year has been tough. 
    Ok...no more sob stories.  We also went to Hatch for Thanksgiving, and that was fun.  My dad made a turkey, and his wonderful noodles.  The kids fought and helped haul wood, and my dad let them pick out a Christmas tree.  It was a very nice break.  We missed Ryan, and his fried turkey, but he said that their dinner was decent, and he said that the pumpkin pie was actually good. 
     I also celebrated our anniversary by taking the kids out to visit their dad.  It was a terrible experience...really.  It is what it is.  The monitor's were not working properly.  Pete Santilli was visiting with Deb Jordan and he and Ryan are in the same pod.  For whatever reason, I could hear Pete, but not Ryan.  Deb could hear Ryan, but not Pete, and the monitor was way fuzzy and we could not see each other.  On the ride home, Mo threw fruit snacks at me one by one by flinging them my direction with a dust pan.  Jerusha and Oak got into a huge brawl about where they wanted to ride in the car, and the visit, and the drive just could not end fast enough.  All I can say is, this anniversary will be very easy to top next year.