Trail blazed through another week.  We have had some strange viruses going through the family this week.  It has been kinda rough.  I was up most of the night one night with Dill.  She was nauseous and throwing up.  Ryan had fevers and chills another night. And I was feeling really weird on Friday...not so bad that it kept me down, but I just felt so worn out and nauseous.  Jamie and Sage were gone all week, which meant that I didn't have to go pick Jams up every day at 11:20, but it also meant that I had to run every single errand.  I had no idea how much that helps...just having the teenagers drive kids around or grabbing groceries.  They never do get the right things at the store when I send them, but I will try to quit complaining about that. 
     So, this morning, Ryan had brought a sour dough start from his parents house.  He was really excited to start using it, and frankly so was I.  I have not had a good sourdough pancake in a long time.  So...I am telling this story for posterity's sake, but it grosses me out to even discuss it.  Anyhow, I have had some flour in a jelly jar in the pantry for awhile.  One day awhile ago, I noticed that it had been bombarded by little brown bugs.  That is one thing that I hate about living in the this climate.  Bugs seem to invade everything.  Anyhow...why I did not throw the dum stuff out is beyond me....I must have been being lazy, or spacy or whatever.  Anyhow, I opened another package which was clean, and I began storing it in the fridge or freezer to prevent the dum bugs....again...why did I not throw the flour out???  If I could possibly do it, I would kick myself. 
     Anyhow, back to the sourdough...he restarted the sourdough with the buggy flour.  Honestly, the bugs are small and brown and look almost exactly like flax seed...I mentioned that the flour was yucky and full of bugs and he shrugged like he didn't care one little bit.  He then went on to make himself a few pancakes with it.  No...I do not think I will get over it.  I did not ask, nor do I want to know if he made any pancakes for the kids.  I mentioned the bugs to him one more time and asked if bugs would help the start to grow...he shrugged and said that the bugs didn't bother him in the slightest.  I like to think of myself as pretty unsqueamish...but maybe I'm more picky than I initially thought.  Needless to say that I will be taking care of the sourdough start from here on out. 
     Dill has been her sassy and bossy self, and she gets way offended if we laugh at anything she does or says.  That has made things rather difficult because she says and does hilarious things all the time.  The other day she mentioned that Heavenly Father did not love her.  This was expressed to me as we sat down together to have a bowl of soup for lunch.  My heart broke as she told me this, because I know Heavenly Father really loves her...I have felt that love as I have watched her grow, heard blessings upon her little head, and prayed for her.  I disagreed and asked her why she would even think such a thing.  She mentioned that it was because she was loud.  She liked to make noise and so Heavenly Father did not love her.  It took me a minute to contemplate that.  When we are at church, or praying to Heavenly Father...or discussing Him in church we are always telling her to be quiet.  She just cannot seem to do it...like ever.  When we pray, she cannot seem to keep still, and she is a wiggle worm that has much to discuss during shrsh meetings.  Today, Oak included a vial of slime.  She played with that dumb stuff the entire time.  Most likely because Moroni desperately wanted to play with it.  It kept her quiet and happy.  Slime might just be the new diaper bag item. 
     So, next week is spring break.  I think we will be going camping for a few days.  This is so that Ryan can work on waterlines on the mountain.  Jerusha was kinda sad at this because hey, all of her friends have gone to exotic locations around the globe for spring break.  We just are not like other families and we never have been.  I hope Ryan and I don't regret some of this stuff later, but almost everything we ever do has a work agenda.  Have we made some great memories as a family inspite of this?  Absolutely, but we just do not know how to play very well.  I would love to rent a beach house and just soak up sand and sun for a week, but Ryan just cannot handle being leisurely.  Even on our honeymoon in Hawaii, he was looking around for ranches that we could volunteer to work on for a few days.  He just doesn't know how to deal with down time.  And maybe he dealt with way too much of it in jail. 

 

    

     Well, it is now March, and I really have had little to no access to a computer, but I am going to really try to update my thoughts once a week.  It is tragic that I have not been consistent because much is happening every day.  It was my strong opinion, that we must write a book.  Our dealings over the past few years are an incredible testimony about God and His tender mercies in dealing with His children.  Even imperfect ones like us.  Anyhow, I will try to fill in some of those gaps, but today, I would like to just talk about today and the weekend.
     Dill is now three and extremely sassy.  I never dreamed that she would act the way she does, but she is three.  Three has always been a difficult age for me because they want to be so independent and yet dependent at the same time.  They are picky about some of the dumbest stuff and bossy as all get out.  They have an opinion on what and how they will eat, what color of cup they want, how and where it is served etc.  I feel like I am ordered around by a pint sized dictator all day, every day.  This past week, I purchased several cans of air freshner, because they were on sale for .99 cents.  It is hilarious to watch her walk into each room, get on the floor with it, and spray it.  It is her aim to make each room smell fresh.  Unfortunately, one of the scents, is kinda awful.  But, she is so excited and eager to help in her own little way, that I can't really discourage her. 
     I haven't been getting much sleep either, because I am trying to get her and Mo out of our bed.  With Ryan back, it is quite crowded.  It is quite the circus every night. 
     Jazz and Jerusha performed in drill team review on Saturday night.  They did a beautiful job.  Jerusha had a solo, and nailed it.  I know it sounds cheeseball, but I always want to bawl when they dance.  When did they grow up?  My kids make me very happy and proud most of the time.  It just went by while I was busy I guess. 
     Anyhow, we had three weddings to attend, and drill team review, and a lesson to do for our Sunday School class.  Ryan and I teach the 12-13 yr olds.  Busy, crazy weekend.  Ryan and I went and attended the session for Dave Wyatt, and Jesse Cox in the Cedar temple on Friday.  That was the first time that I had been in the Cedar City temple, and it was absolutely beautiful, and small-ish.  There is always a powerful spirit in the temple, though.  I can hear my Heavenly Father really easy in there.  I have still had so many fears that Ryan is going to get locked up again because of the conspiring nature of our Government.  It is a fear that almost consumes me some days, and it is difficult for me to focus on my everyday tasks.  I did feel a tremendous amount of peace though, as I sat through the session, and waiting for the sealing.  The sealing was beautiful.  Wyatt was a little toddler when I was dating Ryan.  The first time that I went to the ranch, there was this cute little blonde boy walking around the corrals in a diaper.  I remember thinking "where is this kid's mother?  Where is his clothes?"  Oh how the tables turn...I still remember my little blonde Moroni running around the corrals after 2014 while all of the baby calves were bottle fed.  Never ever judge.  That is something I have learned ha ha!
     We enjoyed the reception, and we spent the night in Hatch with my parents.  My Aunt Jaleen got married the next day and it was good to see all of my Shurtz cousins.  I do not see them nearly enough.  My parents then hung out and went to drill review with me.
     Our lesson went well, and we also had the opportunity to have a discussion taught in our home.  Jerry has been staying here, working with Ryan, and reading the Book of Mormon. 
     After the missionaries left, Ryan mentioned getting out of the house.  I will be honest, that is the last thing that I wanted to do.  I had been gone and busy all weekend, and I needed to try to start getting some things back in order.  Maybe I should not have been having those desires on the Sabbath, but the house was trashed.  Dishes were piled high, and kids had thrown their clothing and shoes everywhere.  Smooshed up fish crackers adorned the carpet.  But, I realize that I so desperately wanted Ryan home, and spent a lot of lonely Sundays.  Sundays were definitely the most difficult because they were always our family days.  So, we packed the kids up to go and visit Carol and Cliven.  Cliven had some other ideas about going out on the range for a picnic.  Mel and Briana showed up with their kids about that time.  We ended up taking four of their kids, and all of ours out on the range.  It was a loud car ride to say the least, and Sage about jumped ship ha ha!  Oak usually likes to add in sound effects for good measure. We built a small fire...and I should say here that we had gotten a nice rain the night before.  I cannot even explain how good the range smells and feels after a rain.  It smelled and felt fantastic.  Carol had sent us with two packages of lamb steaks, along with some salt and pepper.  I must admit that I kinda balked at the lamb (aren't we cattle ranchers? )  I was wrong.  Cliven gave us a few sticks and we stuck our lamb steaks in the fire.  It just cannot even be described how good it tasted.  She had also sent us with some sourdough and honey butter.  Once again, we just roasted dough on a stick, and added the honeybutter.  It was more amazing than I can even describe. 
     The kids had a blast climbing on the rocks.  Even little Dill ended up climbing pretty high with Jazz and Montana.  Most of Mel's kids did not have shoes even.  Luckily, it was in the mid 70's, and it didn't slow anyone down much.  Montana found a pair of Chloee;s shoes in the car and utilized them, and when the sun went down, there were plenty of jackets (sometimes its a blessing when I don't get the car cleaned out).  Also a nice lady named Cathy that is in my parents ward always sends us her extra "ensure" drinks.  The kids had a heyday with those.  Needless to say that it was the best time I have had in a long time. 
     We have the fair around the corner.  Two steers being taken care of by Jamie, and Sage.  Jerusha and Oak are doing pigs, and I should note that Jerusha claims she will never do a pig again.  The squeal and moan before their morning feedings and she feels like they are big brats ha ha. 
     Jamie is in a Government class that was working on showing how bills are passed and modified.  Of course, her bill was to abolish the BLM.  She stood alone and argued for it, but no one seemed to care.  One kid even claimed that the land should belong to the Government.  They felt like her feelings were not valid because the Government had not come after them.  Its such a shame that people feel like if things don't effect them directly that they don't matter.  Well, I was still extremely proud of her for standing alone. 
     On top of everything else, Ryan, through much prayer has come to the conclusion that he should run for Governor.  I kinda balked and begged him to pray again ha ha.  But heck, why not.  One more thing, right??

     I need to discuss the miracles that led up to Ryan's release.  It was a complete miracle that took months and months, and many key individuals.
     We were about ready to start trial, and they were working on jury selection.  At the same time, the judge had granted some evidentiary hearings concerning Dan Love.  He had gotten in trouble at Burning Man, and was under investigation.  Because of that, Ryan Payne's attorney had filed a motion to question him.  For whatever reason, she granted it.  Some of those hearings were held in secret.  I would travel to court daily, only to sit in the hall most of the day.  Many things were being revealed in those hearings.  But, in a public hearing that I was able to attend, was where really Ryan was able to pull the string that started crashing the case.
     Basically, the defense was trying to prove that Dan Love and company had withheld and destroyed evidence.  There were many witnesses trying to refute that claim, all of them BLM agents.  Dan Love was included in that.  Anyhow, Ryan always asked every witness if they knew of a camera that was facing the ranch house.  All of them denied it, even though we all knew that there had been one.  I was getting somewhat annoyed with Ryan for asking.  Why would he continue to try when they were all just trained liars?  Anyhow, one of the witnesses must not have gotten the memo, because she admitted that the Bundy home was under surveillance, and that they had watched those live feeds from their trailer.  It was quiet as the defense attorney's and defendants stared in unbelief.  Brett Whipple about came unglued.  Obviously the Government had withheld evidence, and they had been lying for a long time.  Through many secret hearings, the case came crashing down.  In January, to save face for the Government.  The judge dismissed the case.  A whistle blower from the BLM actually came out with a memo, and blew the lid on much of the corruption.  The Wooten letter wasn't even addressed in the dismissal.  We were so excited to get all of the men home.  Unfortunately, the indictment was not dismissed, and we still have men who took pleas, or were convicted still in jail.  We are still sick about that, and trying to do much to do get them released. 
     Ryan was the first to get out pretrial.  I still remember how I felt that day...deer in the headlights is the best way I can describe it.  Ryan had put enough pressure on the judge that she allowed another detention hearing. I took all of the kids down and they sat there all day long.  I was really proud of them.  I felt that she might actually let him out.  She began talking about a schedule where he could even come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas...and at the last minute, because of some lies the Prosecutors told about an arrest that took place with Ryan in Cedar, she denied him at the last minute.  It was completely heartbreaking.  Jazz seriously sobbed loudly all the wasy home, her heart clearly shattered.  I was so mad at the judge and her insensitivity to my children I couldn't even focus or deal. 
     Ammon was set to have a detention hearing the next Monday.  Lisa flew in, and I was really hoping that they might let Ammon out.  We ended up in the hall once again, most of the day.  When we were finally allowed back in, a marshal pulled me aside, and took me in a room at the back of the courtroom.  He explained that the judge had decided to let my husband out pretrial.  I figured he had me mixed up with Lisa because she had already denied Ryan's release the previous week.  I explained that I was married to Ryan...not Ammon.  He explained again, that the judge had agreed to let Ryan out.  I literally could not believe it.  I had been without my husband for so long, and had dreamed about actually touching him again, for almost two years at that point.  I couldn't wrap my brain around what he was telling me.  Apparently, in one of those closed hearings, Morgan Philpot, and Rick Koerber, had located the arrest that had taken place in Cedar that the judge was holding Ryan on.  They were able to show the lies the prosecutors told.  The judge agreed she couldn't continue to hold Ryan.  I was so excited and really just couldn't believe it.  We went outside to wait.  All of the sudden, he needed clothes, and a cowboy hat.  I sent Aunt Lily after a cowboy hat.  I just couldn't believe it.  I sent family over to the house to get the kids.  Sarah Redd called Sage, and she was in totoal shock too.  She was crying, and so excited.  The kids were rounded up, by Bailey and Ivona and were on their way. 
     So, I hear he is out and on the other side of the courthouse...I ran.  To touch him, and feel him, and kiss him...I cannot even describe it.  I was whole again.  I got to ride in Maysoun's car with him to the halfway house he was assigned to.  At about that time the kids arrived.  We got to hug him, and hold him, and reunite as a family.  However, the halfway house allowed no visitors, and we had to leave almost immediately.
     In the subsequent days and weeks, Ryan was allowed to go to Tayna and Blake's and eventually he was allowed to come home for Thanksgiving.  I cannot help but just smile as I think of all of that.  It was nothing short of a miracle. I  loved shopping for our Thanksgiving dinner.  It had a smaller crowd than normal, but to have my husband back, where we were all together, was the greatest thing ever.  Christmas was also a huge blessing.  In January, when all charges were dropped, and ankle monitor's came off, it was nothing short of a miracle.  Freedom at last.  Well, at least the limited freedom that we were used to. 

Needless to say that yet again, I am feeling extreme guilt for not updating since February.  So much has happened since then, and with Ryan still incarcerated, I have spent most of any time that I can spare writing to him.  So much has happened though, and it has been a bumpy ride.  One thing I have learned though, is that this is helping me grow, and learn to let my Heavenly Father guide because I really have zero control over most of the stuff that happens.  Ryan is an incredible man, and he makes bold filings and makes bold choices concerning the court, and it makes me extremely nervous.  I have zero control over what he does.  He feels confident that he is being led by the spirit, and I cannot sway him from that, but it has led to many sleepless nights.  Nights in where I wonder and worry about how I am going to support and raise the kids all by myself if that is what God requires.  But, when I am close to the spirit, I really feel like Ryan will be home soon.  Well, soon in God's eyes, and He and I have completely different ideas about what soon really means.  That is the scariest part...not having control, and trusting in God.  I trust my Heavenly Father, but sometimes the paths He leads me down, is not easy...and that is an internal struggle. But, isn't that what this life is for?  Learning to let go, and allowing the Lord to make more of you, then you could ever possibly make of yourself.
     So much happened throughout the spring and summer, and I can honestly say that through the actions and service from others, I see miracles every day.  And most days, something happens to shatter my heart to pieces again.  It is such an emotional roller coaster. 
     One day in early spring, we were having a crazy day.  It was Jamie's drill team review, and Jerusha had a drill team picnic for an end of season party.  My parents were up, and it was an insane day.  Oak kept hounding me for the opportunity to have some friends over, and it was just unbelievable that he was even asking that of me.  Finally I agreed to take him to the drill team picnic because it was being held at the park, where he could ride his bike.   A few of his friends happened to be there, but they were playing baseball with their dad and uncles.  He kept wondering if they would want to ride their bikes with him, but I instructed them to leave them alone, because they were playing ball with their dads.  Finally, he just sighed, and went and stood at the fence, and watched them.  It was the saddest, most pitiful thing I had ever seen, and I just started crying for him.  He needed male attention and interaction from those dads, and yet I doubted if they would even notice.  I was wrong...and I am so grateful I was wrong.  One of the dads, a gentleman by the name of Quinton Averett noticed Oak standing there alone, and invited him to come and play with them.  It was just what he needed, even though he had never played baseball before.  He learned quickly though, and Quint asked if I would put him on his baseball team for little league that year.  He and the other coach, Coach Perry, who happen to be police officers in the town, really helped Oak, during that time. 
     Coach Perry also became Oak's football coach, along with several other outstanding men from the community.  One of those men was Josiah Jensen, and he is a cousin to Ryan.  Football was just what Oak needed, and although the interaction with the coaches, and other boys in little league was great, football is definitely his sport.  He is extremely aggressive and played defense.  He made a ton of extremely important tackles.  I loved watching him play, and I really loved how some of the Jensen's made me feel during that time.  I was so lonely, and so nervous, and I know the Bundy's well, but the Jensen's are an incredible family too. 
     I also need to discuss all that went in to finding and purchasing my home. 
Mikkelsen's were incredible to let me stay as long as they did.  They kept telling me that they were fine living in their own basement, and yet I knew when Jacob came home to stay for several months, that he was sleeping on the couch.  They welcomed him home in the basement of their own home for crying out loud, and they all had to cram in the basement.  In spite of all of that, they never once made me me feel like I was unwanted or a burden.  Never once did they raise their voice at my kids or lose their patience.  But, I had many restless nights wondering what in the heck I was going to do.  I was worried sick.  The banks would not loan to me, no one would co-sign with me, and basically I had about half of the money I needed to purchase any kind of home in the valley.  Rent is absolutely out of control as well.  I was in a very precarious situation.  I envisioned parking the van by the river and just living there.  Not good thoughts.
     The Perkins family in the ward was selling their home in Bunkerville.  I inquired about it because I knew it was bigger than the standard 3 bedroom 2 bath deal that was typical of most places.  It was way beyond my price range and I found myself discouraged once again.  I prayed and fasted, and fasted and prayed.  I tried not to complain to Ryan because I knew that there was absolutely nothing that he could do to help me. 
     Well, it just so happened that Brother Perkins was selling another home in the valley.  He had not even put it on the market yet, and Carol had heard about it.  She asked him if he would possibly be willing to finance me on it.  At first he said "no" and then he changed his mind.  This was also a bigger home, but it was older and extremely run down.  Carol and I came and walked through it, and it needed a ton of work, but honestly, what were my options at that point?  I was really concerned because hey, I am not handy like the guy I married, and in order for it to be livable, it was going to need some work.
     I went to the temple to pray about it.  I had some incredible and strong feelings about several subjects in the temple that day.  One was an overwhelming sense of gratitude from our Heavenly Father for Ryan's willingness to be obedient no matter what the cost.  God does not like to see His children suffer, and yet it is sometimes necessary in order to bring about change.  I also got an overwhelming yes on buying the house.  I was told that many people would come together to make the house a home, and that the women of the family would have something else to focus on rather than our lonely world without our men.  I felt like I should do what was necessary to make the house kid and teenager friendly so that he kids would want to hang out.   I called Brother Perkins as soon as I got out, and asked him if he was still willing to sell the home to me, and finance me.  He is a good man, knew the desperate situation that I was in, and readily agreed.  Whew...what a relief. 
     So, right after the Bundy reunion, papers were signed, and I was handed the keys.  The first problem was that the front door was broken.  My home teacher, Brother Bunker said that he was really good at hanging doors, and had offered to go with me to the Home Depot to pick one up.  So, that was the first step.  I went and picked out a front door, and he hung it.
     Bj Soper is an awesome Bundy supporter from Oregon.  He called and informed me that he was in the business of remodels and offered to give me a week of his time and talents.  He drove clear down from Oregon with his truck (he needed his tools because Ryans had all been stolen at that point)  He showed up on a Monday morning and just went to work.  Brother Bunker was also there that morning, and we began scraping up leftover linoleum off of the kitchen floor.  Bj began patching walls, and removing old panel board.  He textured walls, laid flooring in the kitchen and bathrooms, fixed faucets, and hung some kitchen pantry doors. 
     Ryans paint sprayer was missing.  I called my friend Alan Curtis and asked if I could borrow his sprayer.  He paints for a living, and he readily agreed to just come and paint the house for me.  We used his account to buy paint, and he came and started taping and spraying.  Things were coming
together nicely and quickly with their help.  Cheryl picked a bathroom and fixed it up, and then Bailey and Molly picked a bathroom and fixed it up.  Stetsy, Bailey, and Carol, along with Ivona, did my kitchen cabinets.
     I cannot tell you how much Mikkelsen's helped.  Ned Mikkelsen worked with my most days, installing tile, doing floor boards, and trim and doing dry wall fixes.  I cannot say enough about how blessed I was to have their help.  Shem Teerlink was a ton of help too.  He shook his head at the messes, and always dug in to help.  Some kind of a critter had filled some of my walls with dirt.  That was a huge mess, and yet Shem just hauled bucket after bucket of dirt out the door.  I have the best friends and neighbors.  I am very blessed.
     So, every day during our summer break, we would show up at the house and work most of the day.  People would stop and help if they saw my car in the driveway.  Gary paid for my carpet, and I had to scramble to find someone to help me get it installed.  I love my home.  I love that it is mine, and that everywhere I look, I see the evidence of selfless service. We got moved in a few days before school started.  As much as I despise being in town, the middle school is within walking distance, and its way easy for the kids to make it to functions.  We are easily on the way home from just about anywhere.
     Oak also decided that he wanted to play football.  This was a huge blessing.  He absolutely loved every minute of it.  The practices wore him out quite a bit, and he was teasing the other kids less.  He was also very good at it.  One night, he got the player of the game.  He was only on the defensive team, and was very aggressive at tackling the ball handlers.  I loved following him around and watching him.