I feel terrible that it has been so long since I updated my blog.  My life has largely been a nightmare since my last update, and for whatever reason, I hesitated to write it down.  I guess that writing it down makes it real.  There are times that I can almost convince myself that it is all just a dream, but I know that it isn't.  I also know that I need to record what has happened, and how it has affected me and our family.
     On January 26th I started to panic.  Ryan had been in Oregon for almost a month, and he wasn't really good at checking in with me.  We knew that all of our conversations were being listened to, and he was way busy.  This made me mad sometimes, and I must admit that I sent him a few angry text messages.  I also threw a few dishes, which my cute Saggers calmly cleaned up without commenting on my crazy behavior.  He did get better though, and he began calling every evening so that we could have scripture study.  Anyhow, that evening, I began to see some postings on facebook that led me to believe that someone had been killed, and others arrested.  I began to panic.  Jasmine came home from a friend's house at about that time, and told me not to worry because she had spoken with him  an hour before about going to a friend's house.  He had given her permission to go, and she had gotten into a nice conversation with him.  She kept telling me that he was fine, but he was not answering his phone, not responding to my texts, and something just felt off.  I hit my knees, and really began going a little bit crazy inside.  Information slowly began coming over my facebook feed.  Still nothing that I knew for sure.  I left messages for Ryan to call.  I began to panic.  I finally got a phone call from Lisa.  She told me that Ammon had somehow managed to call her from the back of a law enforcement van.  The FBI had murdered LaVoy, and had shot Ryan, but that he was going to be ok.  This was terrible news.  I knew that they would dress Ryan's wound and take him into custody, and LaVoy dead?  Shocking, and painful.  He was a person who always made me smile.  He had come and supported our family in our darkest hours.  I had the utmost respect for anyone brave enough to ride a horse in our stand-off.  He had taken a similar stand, and had been with our family all the way.  He was a great speaker.  Better, (should I say it?) than all of the Bundy's.  He just had a very good way about him, and he could speak better to an audience that may not understand where we were all coming from.  He had been a wonderful friend too.  Because of my stress, my house had become sheer pandemonium as I shared with them the information from the phone call.  Wailing is what ensued.  I am talking full blown wailing from my younger girls.  I was trying really hard to stay calm.  I tried to tell them that things were going to be ok, that we had great family support, that if any family could handle all of this, ours could.
     The wails didn't stop.  Dawn Lee texted me at that moment.  She asked if there was anything that she could do for us.  I looked around at my crying children, and asked her if Charlie could come and give us all a Priesthood blessing.  We needed the peace of the Lord desperately at that time.  They were at the house quickly.  At that moment a knock came at the door.  My Bishop was standing on our porch looking really confused.  The kids and their wails could clearly be heard in the back ground.  He said "I was told that I need to be here, but I don't know why."  I began crying harder, as I thanked him for listening to the spirit.  He said, "No I just walked in the door from work, and my wife told me that I needed to get over to the Bundy's house...here I am, but I don't know what you need."
I then explained to him, what had happened.  He gave us all a hug, and the men began with my little Salem, and switched off giving us all blessings.  Peace flooded the house.  We were told that Ryan would heal, and come home, we were told that he was a good man who was standing for what he believed.  We were told that our home would a place of peace and refuge.  We were told that Jesus was bigger than the situation, and that He would be there to comfort and help us through.  I will forever be grateful for the Priesthood, and for the Bishop, and Charlie Lee for helping us that night.  We were definitely not dealing well.
     My mom called my attention to something that brought me a ton of peace at that time too.  In the Book of Mormon there is a story in Ether that speaks about a people who have to get in barges to cross an ocean.  It is similar to Noah's ark, and the time that Nephi and his family crossed the waters.  These were tight barges that must have been completely enclosed because the issue of light comes up later.  Anyhow, the people were going to go into these barges and completely be at the mercy of the Lord for...well, they had no idea how long.  I am sure they were really scared.  What if we take on water, sink in a storm, go stir crazy in the confinement etc. was probably going through their heads as they faced days and months at the mercy of God.  In Ether 2:25 the Lord tells the people, "And behold, I prepare you against these things;  for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which shall come."  In the midst of it all, I had to believe that the Lord had prepared Ryan and I for the separation, and the hard ship.  Ryan has never had life easy.  He has dealt with difficult challenges his whole life.  I do believe that the Lord prepared us against these things...He has definitely helped me every day.  That help has come so very often by the actions of other people.  Virgin Valley has some of the best people in it, and my family...I will never forget how they have helped me every day.
     In the mean time, I have done a few interviews, and been kept extremely busy by the kids and all of their stuff.  It never ends...ever.  The other day, I had decided that I was going to take a quick bath because I had to actually fix my hair so that I could be somewhere.  I started the water going, and immediately began cleaning something as I waited for some water to fill the tub.  I had noticed a few stacking blocks thrown in the tub from the kids and their last bath.  I didn't think too much about it, but what I did not know was that there were graham crackers hidden and dispersed amongst those blocks...it made for a very watery, and crummy bath that was not too pleasant.  Without Ryan around, the kids act up too.  I am sure that they are suffering greatly, but Dad was so good at keeping the kids in line.  When he said something, he meant it, and priveleges were removed for disobedience.  I have really had to step up my parenting game.  He has been sorely missed.  Chloee comes home from school and cries daily.  Jasmine cries a lot, Oak, and Moroni need discipline, and I just miss my best friend.  It has all been very difficult.
     A few events that have taken place in the meantime.  Cliven flew up to Portland, to see what he could do.  There were a few brave hold-outs in the resource center, and they were afraid to come out for obvious reasons.  Many had been arrested at this point.  As Cliven flew into the airport, he was arrested immediately.  This sent another wave of sorrow through the family.  Cliven was really keeping me going.  He was key to helping me with some of my tractors that were being rented out for income, and he was good at keeping my kids happy and content.  That was a terrible blow.  Carol has been amazing though, and Arden graduated early so that he could run the ranch.  It is so sad, but Arden has taken these responsibilities seriously. 
     Before Cliven got arrested we also attended LaVoy's funeral.  That was a day that I wanted so badly to come so that I could somehow comfort his family.  He had taken attention away from my husband and had saved his life.  I wanted to badly to show his kids our family so that they could see what, in part, their dad had died protecting.  Well, we arrived and the funeral was bigger than anything I have ever seen.  There were people lined up all over the place, hoping to get in to see the Finnicum family.  I of, course was not as early as I had hoped to be, and was really worried that I wouldn't make it in there.  Finally, I grabbed my three older girls and we were sneaky enough to enter a back way.  I walked away feeling such peace and comfort by their family.  The girls and I stood before LaVoy's body and sobbed.  I kept recalling the last time that I had been in his presence, and I wished that I had somehow hugged him and thanked him for what he was about to do.  The funeral was beautiful.  There were people standing around in every room, and holding up every wall.  Grown men and burly types sobbed as his kids recalled his life, and as the plan of salvation was taught.  It was a very good day.  I love, and will always love LaVoy and the Finnicum family.